My Autistic Brain Tumor Survivor

Broken Shoulder Update: Major Depression Setting In

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On Friday, I went to my six week broken shoulder check up.

I was really hoping that the break would be all healed, I’d be able to take off the sling and we could all start getting back to normal life.

But alas, it was not meant to be, I guess.

The good news is that the break is healing.

The bad news is that I’m not healed enough to take the sling off and leave it off just yet.

I can however, take it off for short periods of time during the day to do physical therapy exercises and try to straighten out my arm.

However, I  can’t really let Bethany see me with the sling off or she may think I’m “all better”, become careless and accidentally hurt me somehow.

So, I’ll essentially still be wearing the sling for most of the next 3 weeks until I go to the doctor again.

I’ll still be one armed and still more dependent on others than I want to be for the next three weeks.

And that’s more than just a little bit depressing.

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depression

Speaking of being depressed, some days I’m just a little depressed, but more often than not, I’m spending most of my days and nights desperately depressed and in tears.

I’m scared.

I’m worried I’ll never be able to use my arm and hand properly again.

I can’t straighten my arm out.

The range of motion in my shoulder is practically nonexistent and my wrist, hand and fingers are swollen to the point of being nearly useless.

I’m also worried because my spinal stenosis symptoms seem to be worsening and I might need surgery and that will mean more recuperation time.

I’m terrified that I’m losing my abilities to do just about anything.

I can barely walk or get into and out of the car, a chair and even into bed without help.

Even before I broke my shoulder,  I needed to use a “grabber” to pull my own pants up and a gadget to help me get my socks on because I can’t reach below my knees!

And now, I also have my mysterious red, swollen legs issue to deal with.

It’s downright difficult to continue doing all the things I enjoy…blogging, filming vlogs, working on crafts and playing games with Bethany.

Even cooking and cleaning are almost impossible to do one handed.

I can’t get comfortable or sleep in any chair or bed.

Bethany is not sleeping much either.

And being up all night alone with Bethany has always been overwhelmingly depressing.

My beautiful, country home retreat in paradise has become a desolate and devastatingly lonely place, way out here in the middle of nowhere.

My lush, green back yard, once filled with happy little children playing, laughing, and filming themselves doing silly little skits is now deafeningly quiet and empty.

It’s heartbreaking and more than I can bear.

Sometimes I feel like God is intent upon taking everything I love away from me.

Including Bethany, as we have had to seriously face the heart wrenching fact that we may need to place her in a residential setting long before we ever expected we’d have to.

And I feel like it’s all my fault because I got hurt and I’m getting old.

I’ve been spending lots of time trying to convince myself that living in a group home would be a great experience for Bethany.

She’ll learn to be more independent and have more opportunities to make friends, get out into the community and create a happy, productive life for herself, apart from me.

Then I think of her not being here and all the horrid things that could happen to her in a residential placement and I cry my eyes out with grief and worry.

I seem to be incapable of finding the happy in all of this crappy.

I honestly can’t take much more of this and I am not at all confident that God won’t let anymore bad things happen to us or that He even cares.

I don’t know what lesson I’m supposed to be learning from all of this, but I hope it has all, at least, been for a good reason.

You might also be interested in: We’re Having a Crisis, Broken Humerus Update, and The Continuing Saga of my Broken Humerus,


I’m sharing at #MMBH
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6 Comments

  1. Joy

    I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. Life can be hard. It can be painful, and at times can seem downright unfair. I know. We all have our crosses to bear, and sometimes it can get so bad that it seems as though God has deserted you. I know it can get lonely, too. I’m not saying that I can understand what you’re going through, but I think that maybe God allows these things to happen in our lives so that we will place our trust in Him. I am reminded of Christ on the cross when He cried out, “Father, why have You abandoned Me ?” I think maybe that occurred to show us that even when times are darkest, and we feel totally abandoned by God, it is then that we need to place our trust in Him the most. Trust that in the end things will work out. I hope I don’t sound “preachy” here, because that is definitely not my intention. I am the last person to preach to anyone! I just want to let you know that you are not alone. So many people, including myself, have gone through depression and anxiety because of their current situation. There was a time when I almost lost all hope. But I see now that life is one big test. I also see that you have been blessed in a way that I can only dream of. Your children. Every one of them are blessings, and while they may not all be living at home anymore, you have those memories and no one can take that away. I have finally come to accept the fact that I will never become pregnant. I have always dreamed of having a large family, but I never will. So, that is something that I have to accept. I trust that God has a plan for my life, just as He has one for your life, and for all of us. I will remember to keep you and your family in my prayers.

    Reply
    1. Sylvia (Post author)

      Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment, Joy. Your insight has helped to put things into a little bit of a better perspective for me. We all have different crosses to bear. I guess if even Jesus felt abandoned by God, I should not expect to escape that feeling at times, either.

      Reply
  2. pjblake2

    Praying for peace that passes all understand and that you will know how immensely He loves you. <3

    Reply
    1. Sylvia (Post author)

      Thank you. Most of my life, feeling loved has eluded me. It’s something I’ve struggled to attain my whole life.

      Reply
  3. Lori

    My heart breaks for you….and for myself and so many parents who struggle with how to parent our children as they (and we) age and mature and how to know they will be safe and happy in our short term or long term absence! One option I keep in the back of my head is an assisted living arrangement that takes the usual model of 55+ living with all of the dynamic supports, socialization and opportunities for independence and extends that to adults with disabilities and their families that wish to live “together”. Not sure it exists yet, but it should! And hopefully will! Worth checking with local communities to see what options are available.
    You are such an amazing Mom! Your family is proof of all of your and Malcolm’s hard work, dedication, commitment and sacrifice for all of your children over the years. I hope there is peace in your heart soon.
    In the meantime, sending prayers and positive energy your way!

    Reply
    1. Sylvia (Post author)

      Thanks so much for the kind words and support, Lori. Your vision for living arrangements sounds like a great idea. I wonder if such a plan exists.

      Reply

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