On Friday, I went to my six week broken shoulder check up.
I was really hoping that the break would be all healed, I’d be able to take off the sling and we could all start getting back to normal life.
But alas, it was not meant to be, I guess.
The good news is that the break is healing.
The bad news is that I’m not healed enough to take the sling off and leave it off just yet.
I can however, take it off for short periods of time during the day to do physical therapy exercises and try to straighten out my arm.
However, I can’t really let Bethany see me with the sling off or she may think I’m “all better”, become careless and accidentally hurt me somehow.
So, I’ll essentially still be wearing the sling for most of the next 3 weeks until I go to the doctor again.
I’ll still be one armed and still more dependent on others than I want to be for the next three weeks.
And that’s more than just a little bit depressing.
Speaking of being depressed, some days I’m just a little depressed, but more often than not, I’m spending most of my days and nights desperately depressed and in tears.
I’m worried I’ll never be able to use my arm and hand properly again.
I can’t straighten my arm out.
The range of motion in my shoulder is practically nonexistent and my wrist, hand and fingers are swollen to the point of being nearly useless.
I’m also worried because my spinal stenosis symptoms seem to be worsening and I might need surgery and that will mean more recuperation time.
I’m terrified that I’m losing my abilities to do just about anything.
I can barely walk or get into and out of the car, a chair and even into bed without help.
And now, I also have my mysterious red, swollen legs issue to deal with.
It’s downright difficult to continue doing all the things I enjoy…blogging, filming vlogs, working on crafts and playing games with Bethany.
Even cooking and cleaning are almost impossible to do one handed.
I can’t get comfortable or sleep in any chair or bed.
Bethany is not sleeping much either.
And being up all night alone with Bethany has always been overwhelmingly depressing.
My beautiful, country home retreat in paradise has become a desolate and devastatingly lonely place, way out here in the middle of nowhere.
My lush, green back yard, once filled with happy little children playing, laughing, and filming themselves doing silly little skits is now deafeningly quiet and empty.
It’s heartbreaking and more than I can bear.
Sometimes I feel like God is intent upon taking everything I love away from me.
Including Bethany, as we have had to seriously face the heart wrenching fact that we may need to place her in a residential setting long before we ever expected we’d have to.
And I feel like it’s all my fault because I got hurt and I’m getting old.
I’ve been spending lots of time trying to convince myself that living in a group home would be a great experience for Bethany.
She’ll learn to be more independent and have more opportunities to make friends, get out into the community and create a happy, productive life for herself, apart from me.
Then I think of her not being here and all the horrid things that could happen to her in a residential placement and I cry my eyes out with grief and worry.
I seem to be incapable of finding the happy in all of this crappy.
I honestly can’t take much more of this and I am not at all confident that God won’t let anymore bad things happen to us or that He even cares.